Worth The Fight

It is medical fact that ADD is very often accompanied by what professionals call “Coexisting Conditions”. Summed up in layman’s terms, it’s the other mental bullshit that comes with having the gift, simple enough for you? They are often issues like depression, bipolar disorder or LD’s such as dyslexia.

In my case, the inability to engage and the ensuing frustration which mounts wouldn’t be classified as depressive symptoms. However, I can see where it would snowball into a debilitating condition if left unchecked. I feel compelled to tell my stories revolving around my ADD diagnosis for several reasons. One being I am fairly old to just be diagnosed with what is considered a childhood menace. Two, and most importantly, it is therapy…pure and simple. It is very good therapy. I continue to research and read as much as I can about this affliction. The more time goes by the more I am able to teach myself how to overcome the triggers which set my mind in perpetual motion.

The frustration was instantly released when I started medication, one year ago this week. It was a miracle drug. One year later, it continues to help, but in no way would be classified a miracle drug. I have upped my daily dosage from 25mg to 30mg and it seems to last longer throughout my day, but once its gone, fugetaboutit…I am back to the old me…dazed and confused. It’s this dependence on medication which creates a new form of frustration. I want to do more. I want to be more. I want I want I want. It was supposed to make me feel “normal” whatever the hell that is. Most of the time, I do function normally; but throughout the day there are moments when I am so overwhelmed by the whirling mass of thought in my head that I have no option but to grow frustrated. This frustration in turn makes me irritable and sometimes unbearable to be around. My wife can attest. I’m starting to wonder if my daily fight against the grain is worth it. Am I happier, healthier, and more productive now than a year ago? Certainly healthier, probably more productive, but not always am I happier. Sometimes I want to give up the fight and go back to the old me. But just when I get bitter and down, something miraculous happens. The magical moment of mental clarity happens. Pure silence engulfed in absolute peace.

You know the feeling. When everything around you stops for one brief moment, there is no sound, pictures freeze, the thoughts all pause and look to me. Those moments of clarity never have happened before I began my fight. In fact, I had no idea how to handle the solitude the first time it happened. I quickly learned to seize those moments and relish in the utter bliss. Those moments make this fight all the more worth it. Although they are rare, I now see they are possible. For just a few seconds, the only sight I see is the one I want…the only sound that of my breath. I am normal for those few precious seconds. With a cleansed mind, the bitterness and frustration crumble and I step out of my Zen moment a new person and begin the cycle all over again. It’s the same feeling as deleting an entire email inbox or dumping every pile from atop my desk to expose the raw desktop below. I’ll take that any day over never having experienced such profound clarity. So is it worth it, you bet your ass it is! The war rages on and some battles may end stalemates, but the small victories make the fight that much sweeter!