Medication: Light and Dark

I have seen first hand what happens when it works. I have seen the amazing about-face in life it can present. I have also seen the down side, the inevitable burn out when the new found productivity seems to pale in comparison to a lifetime of unlimited potential. Escalation in dosage seems like the proper protocol. Unfortunately, the medication produces addicts; those that continually need more to do more. It is not gruesome or painful to witness; in fact it is practically unrecognizable on the surface to most except for those of us who understand the need. But emotionally, it is draining for both the afflicted and the confidant. I have never been associated with addicts or been around many drug users beyond the occasional frat house recreational variety. It’s not like the faces of meth or heroin addiction that one sees on Dateline. It’s not even like the toking hippy bouncing from job to job content with a life of cannabis. It is the only friend I have ever had whom I could open up completely about the gift and I now see what happens when left unchecked. Although it is legal, it can take hold of an addictive personality just as quickly as opiates. It is the attention deficit individual that must rely on it to maintain normal daily function which becomes afflicted. Regardless of dosage, it is the body's inherent need to rely solely on the medication to produce a bounty of daily tasks or just simply complete one. Thus becomes the new challenge, as if there weren’t enough to contend with already. ADDers are creative and innovative by nature but are anything but disciplined, not a good combination.

Since being diagnosed, I have read massive amounts of literature from noted specialists in the field of ADD for both adults and children. It is fascinating how the nature of the gift can be so different from person to person, each with strengths and weaknesses that are extremely difficult to track. Sure, there are the diagnostic symptoms and psychological surveys exposing the root; but the real treatment comes from within the individual rather than the medication or endless cognitive therapy. Those are simply tools, a means to an end. It boils down to our ability to find our own pros and cons, know the triggers, and perfect a mechanism for bouncing back when the hamster churns with fervent stride. It is not easy. In fact, it is nearly impossible. The days become weeks, the weeks become months, and time moves at lightning speed one second then molasses the next. As the time moves and you try feverishly to keep up, you are left with only your ability to simply “maintain”. Because “maintaining” is a remarkable leap forward in productivity from days before, you accept it as positive. Then one day it hits. It’s not enough to just maintain and we get pissed. Why should I just maintain? I should be proactively pursuing life and seeking more from work, home, school, social surrounding, and mind. Thus begins the spiral.

Think of it with this complex analogy: You trudge up 22 flights of cramped spiral staircase with giddy anticipation to the top of the Statue of Liberty and look out of 25 tiny windows in the crown only to be shuffled past and spiral back down in a fleeting moment. What was the point? There was no significant view, no profound epiphany waiting, no moment of clarity. There was barely enough time to catch your breath and take a quick peek. The elation of anticipation gives way to the regret of not savoring the moment which succumbs to the desolation of wasting time creating a brief moment of suspended and unfounded depression. Luckily, we are ADD. The snacks and cocktails at the base of the statue quickly draw your thoughts away from the disappointment of your journey. You mean I get to ride back to Battery Park on a boat? Wow! Yes my friends, the gift is both devil and angel. It pits yin against yang then flip-flops faster than a political opponent.

The moral of the story is not easily put into print, much less words. Just as with any of life’s curve balls, you have to figure things out for yourself. However, figuring things out for yourself has to be kept in check. Keeping things in check requires you to figure things out for yourself. Hmm…chicken or egg? Keep moving. Keep trying. Don’t rely on someone or something to bring you magical guidance. Don’t be the frumpy teen seeking self-esteem from a Cosmo quiz. Again, not easy, but if at the end of the day we have a massive headache from trying SO hard to maintain while staring at a day’s worth of goodness and productivity…then it was worth it. What more do we need? Bouncing around like an amped up monkey may keep your mind and body busy, but is there a measure of true happiness in your daily accomplishments or more importantly your relationships with others? Believe me; I understand the need to have more. On the random days I intentionally skip my meds, it is incredibly difficult to maintain; but it is possible. It takes those days to measure the skill you have acquired at fighting for what is rightfully yours…a normal life. Putting this on paper has been therapeutic for me…if only I could be this articulate with my friend who needs to hear it.